PEOPLE PLEASER, NOT ME

 

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

A handsome man trying to please people / Photo Courtsey / Cookie_studio

Rule No. 7

I said this several years ago. And I will repeat again. ‘I am not a people-pleaser.’ That is rule number seven on my long list of ‘Rules I Live by.’ I created these rules long time ago. The rules are actually, 14 years-old right now. Whereas, I might not have known fully the impact of what I was creating or telling myself. Time has revealed the value of these rules. They have not only grounded me but also fully influenced and shaped my life. I see everything I wrote down several years ago in my life today. To say that I am grateful is an understatement. Given the worth I have received from what seemed like just ordinary words. The right word to express my gratitude is humble. I am humbled that words have power. I am humbled that I had a foresight as a teenager. To create a document that shaped my future. I am humbled that I got transformed by the simple words.

So don’t tell me now to please people. My rule says, “I will never be a people-pleaser at any cost.” When I wrote these words. I did not know that they carried power. Now, as a fully grown adult. I see the power behind each word. And I will never make any attempt to please anyone at any cost. Take my advice. Pleasing people is a lot of weight. It is a heavy load, which is just unstainable. People-pleasing will wear you out. Steal your joy. And rob you of your independence. Don’t please people because you are afraid. Don’t please people because you want to look good in the eyes of everyone. Don’t pretend to be good to everyone. Don’t worry about perception. People can make meaning out of anything and everything. You don’t need to influence them by putting up with a weight you cannot carry. Just be yourself. And define your boundaries. ‘I like this. I don’t like that.’

It is that simple. And once you do that. Let people decide. Whether to like you or to hate you. In fact, the job of who likes you. And who does not like you is not your business. Self-determination is your business. Free yourself from unnecessary pressure. Claim your independence from your internal turmoil. Address the demons haunting you. Talk to your trauma. Face your internal crisis. Identify your insecurities. This is your job. To find yourself. And stop being fragments of other people. Get the voices of other people out of your mind. Find your own voice. And live a full life. A full life has boundaries. You cannot be everything. So find the source of fear. That pushes you to want to please everyone. People don’t need to sing your praises all the time. And you need to be okay with that. Seek independence. Think your own thoughts. And live a life that you alone fully approve.

Address the Inner Turmoil

An anxious man suffering from people pleasing / Photo/ Alex Green

One that you love. One that brings you joy. Live without fear. Don’t allow your internal crisis to influence your behavior. And turn you into someone you are not. People-pleasing is not healthy. It creates a prisoner out of you. It makes you live a double life. That is not honesty. You don’t need to behave a certain way. When you are around people. Or when guests come to your house. Be yourself. Do what you like. And leave alone things you don’t like. Don’t pretend to be this, when you are that. You will not enjoy life living this way. Get out of the people-pleasing prison. And start thinking about the things that make you want to please other people. Why is pleasing other people so important to you? Why are you worried about perception? Why do you crave being called ‘good?’ Spend time with these questions.

Inside one or all these questions. Lies your self-determination. Find your freedom. It is only after, you free yourself from people-pleasing that you will live a meaningful life. A life, which is yours. One that you have chosen. Not what other people have chosen for you. Stop living frightened. Don’t allow fear to influence your actions. Verbalize the hidden things. Talk about your insecurities and worries. Face that which scares you. Because if you don’t. Fear imprisons people. It makes people pretend to be what they are not. And that act of always wanting to appear in a certain way to other people. When deep down, you know that is not who you are is just gross. Quit double standards. Instead, start worrying about when you will be free. And how life will look like. When you finally start setting boundaries. Find that freedom.

Put yourself in charge. And stop worrying about other people. The other people business will take care of itself. In fact, people don’t care that you want to please them. Or those who care, will take advantage of you. And make you their puppet. Is that how you want to live the rest of your life, being a puppet? You definitely don’t want to live your life doing what other people tell you to do. Living this way looks unpleasant. So, find your voice. Find yourself. And stop all this people-pleasing madness. Because you will end up more hurt or unsatisfied than anyone else. Grow up. And take responsibility. It is your responsibility to be your own person. Almost everyone struggles with finding themselves. However, those who commit to being their own person. They usually find themselves. Do the same. Commit to knowing yourself. And learning about your dislikes and likes.

Simplify Your Life

A busy executive thinking about people / Photo Courtesy / Keira Burton

Knowing yourself simplifies your life. It helps you to live in purpose or with purpose. You just don’t wake up because everyone woke up. You only wake up because you have a reason. Stop being fragments. Define yourself. This will set you free. It will give you a life you have never lived before. A life of Independence. That is what adulting is all about. Walking through murky waters. And while in that uncertainty. Find things that you love. And those that you detest. There is nothing wrong with being certain. Life calls you to be specific. Once you cut your coat according to your size. Life can easily reward you. When you are specific. You can easily find your purpose. Your calling or your ministry. But being a lot of things is confusing even to life itself. However, when you narrow down. Life sees you. And it creates perfect conditions that catapult you to a beautiful life.

One that you don’t need to strain or pretend. People-pleasing is hard work. It is hard work that does not reward. You will soon wear out. It is hard being purposeless. People-pleasing is being pointless. Because you are redirecting your energies into activities, which do not help you. So what if everyone calls you good? How will being called ‘good’ change your life? Will it remove the underlying urge that pushes you to please other people? Or let me put it this way. What is more beneficial. You facing your anxieties or living a pretender? One of them is easier than the other. It might be difficult to accept that you got a problem. Shame might prevent you from admitting that you don’t know what you want. Or you don’t know a lot of things. But go past shame anyway. Find courage. And face those things that make you shrink in front of other people.  

Pleasing other people. Gets you out of the leadership seat. You submit your authority to other people. Pleasing makes you powerless even when you think you are in charge. The moment you worry about perception. And begin to do things that respond to your perception. You have lost power. People-pleasing is like you covering up something. Something that you don’t want other people to see or know it exists. Why should you live your life like this? Who is chasing you in your own life? Who is in your head? Get fear out of your life. People-pleasing is disguised fear. Unmask it and go for your freedom. Put yourself in charge. Get some time alone. And think about your choices. Look at the quality of your life. If it is not good. Get over some things that reduce the quality of your life. Cut people pleasing out of your life.