CULTIVATING GROWTH MINDSET
A woman struggling to remain strong /Credit Karolina Grabowska
There
is nothing as tragic as losing a loved one. It is the worst experience life can
offer. And no one is ever prepared to face this moment or experience. And when
it happens, you have no choice but to face it. This experience breaks people.
It makes people numb and lost at the same time. It creates a lot of
opportunities for self-destruction, people getting depressed, and indulgences
into different things. You can easily get lost. You can easily lose your life.
Pain drives people to do a lot of destructive things that can endanger their
own lives. Depression in particular is the worst culprit of losing a loved one.
It not only makes people lose hope in life but also on themselves. The pain of
losing a loved one is really bad. Nothing makes sense. Yet, life must continue.
You must somehow pick up the pieces. You need to find strength to keep going
and it is the most difficult thing you will ever do.
Mourn
There
is no formula of how to mourn a loved one. Mourning can take as long as it can
take. And you cannot get guilty about it. you need to allow yourself to mourn.
Go through all the emotions. Take your time. It can be several years later. But
allow yourself to mourn. Your loved one was an important person to you. He/she
had purpose. The person was up to something. You loved this person. You valued
this person. The person was an integral part of your life. And in your wildest
thoughts, you never thought that death was coming this soon. Coming to take
away something you valued and enjoyed having. You owe no one apologies. Take as
much time as you can find. A void was left, and no one will ever fill that void
as the loved one did. And there are no best words during loss. Life is
meaningless during this tough moment.
You
can easily lose direction. You can easily hide behind some things. Things that
can destroy your own life. Indulgences that put your health at risk. Things
that can steal your mind. Practices that can create temporary pleasures.
Activities that can disguise as helping you when in real sense, they are
breaking you apart. But you are doing your best. You would like to get rid of
the pain. You really want to move on but it is difficult. You have no strength
to move on. You have no strength to remain strong. Your foundation has been
shaken. You are almost falling. Your floor is slippery. It does not matter how
many people are close to you. The person that is gone was very important to
you. The people around are very important to you. But no one can understand the
gravity of pain you are going through. You cannot just make a decision to stop
the pain.
That
is where the test of mourning falls. When you cannot get over the pain. Yet,
you have other things in life that need your attention. You have your own life.
You need to pull yourself together. But it is hard. This is when you need to
recognize the direction of pain from a loss is taking you. Sometimes, mourning
becomes toxic. It makes you engage in some practices that eventually harm you.
For example, if, you get depressed in the process of mourning and you lose it.
You no longer can’t keep it together. You really broken and you are looking for
hide place. You want to hide behind binge eating, drinking, or sex. You have
lost the battle. Pain has overcome you. And there is no moving on for you. So
the best thing to do is to find pleasures that you enjoy. These pleasures can
help you find temporary happiness. Temporary stability. And short-time purpose.
But they do not eliminate the fact that you are still mourning.
When
you find yourself at this spot. A point where you have lost yourself. And you
are using hideouts as your coping mechanism, you need to wake up. You need to
fight for your strength. You need to fight for your saneness. Mourning a loved
one has no definite date when it will stop. The memory of some gone forever is
the worst one. It can trap you in mourning. But you need to make progress. You
need to still remain in control. Your need to remain accountable to yourself.
You need to remind yourself that you are still here. You had dreams. You had
ambitions. And life must continue despite the loss. Don’t allow alcohol to take
over your life. Don’t allow binge eating drive you into obesity. Don’t sleep
around. You still have a journey to cover. You still have meaning here and
there are people who look up to you. So, fight for your sanity. Mourn as much
as, you can but don’t let mourning drive you into self-destruction. Remain in
control. Make progress. Find reasons to live again.
Accept the Loss
There
is nothing you could have done to prevent it. You tried your best. But life ran
its course. It is not your fault that your loved one died. This was a
circumstance you could not control. It was beyond your power. And now that it
has happened, you have no choice but to learn how to accept that your loved one
is not coming back. That things will never be the same again. Things have
changed and you need to accept the change. You need to learn to face life
without your loved one. You need to be strong for yourself. You need to find
strength to remain strong. You need to find something to celebrate about your
loved one. You need to find the best way to preserve the memory of your loved
one by accepting that he or she is gone. And the only thing that you can do is
honor the person. Find something in their legacy to honor.
Accepting
is hard. You will have to work hard to accept that something you once valued is
no more. That the person is not coming back. The not coming back part is the
hardest. You will have to work very hard on that part. It will take grace to
accept that your loved one is gone forever. And you are alone. You need to
learn how to make progress alone. Accept all these things. Accept all these new
realities. Reconcile with them. It will not take a day, month, or year to
accept. But at your perfect time, learn how to accept and look forward. There
is something you can do ahead. You can still create value for other people.
There are moments that you will find important in your life. Fight for these
moments. despite the bitter treat, you can find a silver lining in life. Learn
to hope again. Develop some hope. Your future will be good. You will be knit
together. You will find purpose. You will be okay.
Pick up the Pieces
Picking
up the pieces is the best thing you will ever do. It will take time to pick up
the pieces. However, when you feel ready, do it. It will be a good decision. It
will be the right time. Live again. Love again. Let the pain go. Protect the
good memories that you shared with your loved one. If, you remain in mourning
forever, you will never come to the point of honoring the special moments you
shared. Pain will take all your energy. Anger will consume your power.
Bitterness will steal your joy. It will blind you from seeing good things going
on in life. You have to come to a decision and agree that you lost. But life
must continue. There are a lot of good things taking place in life. Don’t allow
loss to prevent you from checking out the world. You deserve it. you deserve to
be happy. You deserve a silver lining.
Pick
up the pieces. Find something to enjoy again. Remember your dreams. Remember
your vision. There is something you wanted to do. Try and make some progress,
even if, that progress is insignificant. But don’t remain on the same spot.
Don’t die with your loved one. Find some strength. Find some solace. Pray. Pray
that you remain in your sober mind. Pray for peace. pray for stability. Pray
for progress. Pray for new strength. Pray for restoration. But don’t remain
stuck. Don’t find a hideout. Find yourself. Pick up the pieces. Make some progress.
Step by step. One step after the other. Don’t rush. Go with your pace. It will
not be a smooth process but pick up the pieces anyway. You owe yourself this
challenge. Your loved one too wants you to make progress. Don’t allow the
weight of pain to pull you down. Learn to say enough is enough. Picking up the
pieces does not mean that you forget about your loved one. It is a way to honor
your loved one and at the same time, take care of yourself. We are different
people when it comes to loss. But you deal with it as you the individual. Not
how other people want you to handle it. We are different. And you are
different. Pick up the pieces when you are ready.
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